More Asking, Less Telling
Recently, Josh, an executive I have been working with on improving the performance of his teams received a nice acknowledgment from one of his direct reports. The team member said something to the effect of “I really appreciate the time you take to ask so many questions – it helps expand my thinking and I often wonder what questions I should be asking when I speak to my direct reports?” I offer my clients the following powerful quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson; “What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.” Josh’s actions at work spoke so loudly that someone noticed. Yours will too.
Communication at work, school, home and well, with people is challenging to say the least. One of the unconscious strategies that I have seen in working with business leaders and teams is a strong tendency to get to the quick answer, tell people what to do, or refuse to engage in a dialogue that may reveal problems. It’s easier to just give someone the answer, make decisions for them, ignore problems or just step in and do it yourself. Yet such strategies have a cost to your business that goes unmeasured. Self-starters and innovators take a frustrated back seat when being told how to solve a problem or are shut down in attempts to solve them. When this happens, companies lose a lot of creative thinking that could save them money. Sometimes ‘telling’ is necessary and cost appropriate, but if telling is the only tool in your toolkit you may want to think about what that one tool might be costing you.
Let me share a simple example with you that I think most of you can relate to. One executive I know of is regularly known to say, “No excuses, just get it done.” Said often enough, the message gets through loud and clear.
First, the problem with the ‘no excuses’ message is that it shuts down communication. Shutting people down with quick answers does just that; it shuts them down and builds negativity. Think of the last time you felt shut down; how inspired were you to do something constructive? Now multiply that over the years and how do you feel?
Second, and perhaps most importantly, what if the person can’t get the job done properly because there are real systemic issues within the organization that has people fighting each other when they are supposed to be working for the same team? Shouldn’t systemic problems get addressed somewhere in the company and wouldn’t that somewhere be at the top? If your management style is not warm to hearing about problems then isn’t it possible that people who recognize systemic problems and think through innovative ways to fix them might not be willing to share their ideas for fear they may be told, “no excuses, just get it done”. Special people who want to help your company succeed will start to look elsewhere where they can have an appreciated impact. Can you afford to lose the very people who want to help?
Clearly, some people are skilled at blaming and making excuses for not following through on commitments; I am not talking about giving those people the benefit of the doubt. I’m talking about your solid performers who genuinely want to help fix the problems.
All of this leads me to the point that we need to ask more questions of the people who work for us and be open to hearing their ideas and concerns. The real learning lies in the analysis of the situation, not necessarily the answer. Here are a few key points I offer to my clients:
- Believe that all conversations are vitally important: When people feel that you believe in their abilities and are truly interested in their input, they feel energized to create and make a difference on your behalf.
- Ask open-ended questions:
How might you go about solving this problem? What was the problem you were hoping to solve with this strategy? What might be some unintended consequences? Caution: asking a question like, “don’t you think we should try…?” is a leading question and can yield answers you want to hear rather than honest answers.
And my personal favorite,
Listening with curiosity means being genuinely curious about the other person and what they are trying to convey. Curious listening leads to deeper, more pertinent questions and a richer conversation.
Remember how I said that sometimes it’s appropriate to tell people something? Well, I want to tell you something. Be curious. Start asking questions.
Tania Garcia Fowler
Interplay Coaching
June 2008
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